The choices one makes

A photo of Baby M as my wallpaper to remind
myself that there is more than work

Unlike a number of my uni classmates who have made a successful transition to a less stressful (and shorter hours) worklife by going inhouse, I have chosen to remain in practice. Largely because I enjoy the work I do, but partly also because I have the support of a nurturing boss and colleagues, with whom I've been privileged to work with since I started work. Knowing that I have trouble managing my stress levels, I have tried over the years to move to a less frenetic pace to carve out more time for myself, family and friends, and in anticipation of starting a family. These attempts were never successful, as I found it emotionally difficult breaking links with my team. I always went back after a mini meltdown and ultimately found some level of happiness and fulfilment in the work that I did, despite the long hours, intense and frenetic pace and sometimes overwhelming stress levels of managing difficult clients and transactions.

Throughout my pregnancy, being blessed with a smooth ride with Baby M allowed me to keep the same hours and pace and work on a number of high profile, challenging transactions. I loved feeling all together managing work, our family and social obligations and the anticipation of a new chapter in our life; I got so good at multi-tasking that I closed my last transaction with a week to spare, and was remote managing a couple of others up to my EDD (and as the Hubby liked to note, up to a couple of hours in the delivery suite before the big event). At that time, I thought I could have it all. 

With Baby M's appearance though, I had to make a big effort to wean myself off work and the chained to my wrist Blackberry given my habit of checking my emails all the time (literally every time I woke, in the bathroom, while waiting for the Hubby, even while breastfeeding Baby M) so that I could devote my full energy to nursing, enjoying time with Baby M and recuperating from birth. It wasn't easy given that our office culture promoted being available 24/7 (Blackberries being standard issue where I work) and did not encourage out of office messages - in the initial first 2 months, I still responded to emails, queries from my associates, calls from clients who did not know I was on maternity leave, and other office administrative emails that required my attention. Always at the back of my mind while nursing, cleaning or playing with Baby M was that there may be an important email that I needed to read, or a call that I had missed getting. I now empathised fully with the protagonist in I Don't Know How She Does It, a book I got 10 years ago and currently out in the cinemas. It was only in the last 2 weeks when the last of my major transactions finally closed that I would no longer see the red light flashing on my Blackberry and could finally let my mind wander freely in tandem with Baby M's development progress.

Over the past few months, taking time out from the office has been very therapeutic, more so that when I went on sabbatical in Melbourne for 6 months. I loved that each day with Baby M made me marvel anew at the little things in life, seeing everything now through a fresh perspective as our baby started exploring the world around her. With my maternity period drawing to an end in 25 days, I find myself seriously considering the previously unthinkable and unachievable - staying at home with Baby M and working part time. I hate thinking that someone else would be here watching her next few milestones, and I would be at work getting second hand reports instead. A decision has yet to be made firmly, given that I had committed to going back at least for 3 months to cover a colleague who was going on sabbatical. After that, who knows?